Joke Time: Rub Vaseline On The Chrome

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and […]

Letter from Johnnie While On A Scouting Holiday

Dear Mum & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents, in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned, because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam […]

New Treatment for Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, […]

Young Joker Tommy Strikes Again

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said,”Just a minute I have to go […]

Joke Time: Redneck Uses Ferrari As Collateral For $5k Loan

A Redneck from Mississippi walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The Bank Officer told him that […]

Two Priests Go To Hawaii On Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the […]

Joke Time: Three Women On A Hike

Three women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first woman prayed:
‘God, please give me the strength to cross the river.’
Poof! .. God gave her big arms and strong legs and she was able to swim across in about […]

Joke Time: Three Hillbillies Talk About Their Wives

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: “My wife sure is stupid!…She bought an air conditioner. ”
2nd Hillbilly says: “Why is that stupid?”
1st Hillbilly says: “We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”
2nd Hillbilly says: “That’s nothin’! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled […]

Joke Time: Irishman Who Orders Three Beers

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. […]

Joke Time: Rules of a Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, smiles as she passes and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, ‘Did you call for me?’ […]

Two Irish Workmen And A Blonde

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, ‘We’re supposed to be finding the fook’n height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a fook’n ladder.’
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened […]

Joke Time: The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
“How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized”
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, […]

Joke Time: Heart Surgeon’s Funeral

One of the city’s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It […]

Joke Time: No Teeth, Broken Nose & Two Black Eyes

Jock takes his wife to casualty.
She’s no teeth, a broken nose & two black eyes.
Dr says, “What´s happened here?”
Jock says, “She was going through the change.”
Dr says, “That doesn’t happen with the change.”
Jock replies “It does when its in my f*cking pocket.

Talking of black eyes, I wouldn’t say no if this was how […]

Joke Time: Cecilia Turns Green And Passes Out

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. “Man this weekend was the best!” David says. “I finally fuck’n scored.”
Simon says, “Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst fuck’n experience I’ve ever had.”
“How so?” replies David.
Simon relates, “That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and […]

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